It's all in the 'tude

I wonder if others notice that messages start streaming in from different sources in the universe when you are vulnerable. I do. Maybe they are always there but when your defenses are down, you are more vulnerable and more open to the cosmos. Before I left the house this morning to walk my dog, there was a recuperating Iraqi Vet on television. He lost two friends on the battlefield as well as his legs. His recovery was challenging if not grueling. He spoke about his attitude as being the one variable that only he could control. I left the house this morning thinking that along with visualizing a calm a.m. rising, I could also fine tune my attitude. After all, my attitude is just how I see things. It's the frame that I put around the events in my life. I look back at my own family and the dysfunction that resulted in a rag tag bunch of people devoid of bonds and with blood ties only. That resonates with me. I grew up feeling disenfranchised from a family who screamed, mocked, assigned blame to a family target, never expressed and/or resolved feelings and who demonstrated no compassion whatsoever nor did they encourage other family members in such attempts. I recall sitting at my desk as a teenager writing pages on lined school paper to a facsimile of a picture of God by Michelangelo. I wrote page after page trying to elicit compassion, understanding and guidance from a picture of a picture! Today I write this blog and my picture is a more peaceful me.

So now back to the 'tude thing. When my kids tell me about their difficulties, I feel a visceral heart stopping. I am caught in the moment. I have to adjust my attitude to this is what is happening now but there will be a solution and a resolution later. I do not have to provide the Rx. Sometimes their drama feels overwhelming to me. They both have been in and out of trauma dramas. They rely on me for feedback. They've both told me that I provide wisdom and perspective. I am happy to provide the common sense. I'm glad to own some. The irony for me is that I receive so little compassion from them. But I am astutely aware that I can only change me so I will continue to provide "motherly" advice and expect none back in return.

Tonight before I go to sleep, I will visualize a quiet and calm a.m. awakening. I will envision remaining calm when my daughter calls to chronicle a nasty custody case for my Grandson. I will continue to try and be her rock. And I will tell myself that issues come and go. They do not remain static and I will punctuate on the resolution rather than the details of the crisis dujour. Hopefully, tomorrow will bring peace, a lightened load on my heart and an optimistic attitude. I've never worked so hard on feeling good. Perhaps I took it for granted. It's not a given, I am appreciating.

NEW DAY......NEW GOAL

O.K. the stark realization for me after reviewing and digesting yesterday's post is this: my son has superimposed a persona on me that is not me. That tactic has ensured my energy was spent on resisting his image of me and using every PC bone in my body to be........not that! Now that there is a break in our connection, I realize and appreciate just how much I was stuck in a parent/child relationship rather than being an autonomous person. I am the only one who can be responsible for my reactions to him. That means that I have to live my life according to my values but the most convincing argument for me is this is who I am. I have to set a goal to be me without blame or regret. All this is what "letting go with love" means. The punctuation now has to be on me. I have no power to change him.......only the leverage to change myself. Either he'll have an epiphany, come around on his own or get more entrenched in his vitriol.

I, on the other hand, also have a task. In the long run my goal is to think of my grown children without distress. That is my destination. Along the way, however, I will make a daily conscious effort to stay calm when my son unloads his personal drama into my lap. I will envision being on the receiving end of his inventory. I will practice remaining peaceful. I will also envision myself leaving the conversation. I have too long listened to his litanies. I have allowed them to make me nervous and worry about him spiraling into a depression and perhaps, worse. He is well aware of my concern. We lived through a suicide and its aftermath has left me with worry that it will occur again. He knows that. I have to remove myself from this hostage situation. I will stay present, calm and make an exit when the drama becomes too intense.

I fully realize that my son may decide to remain MIA. That realization, however, will not stop me from reaching my goal. The final destination is to think of my adult children with love and light and without distress.

"Do not fear the Lestrygonians
and the Cyclopes and the angry Poseidon.
You will never meet such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your body and your spirit."......Cavafy