YOU DON'T SEE THE ME IN ME
Gaining wisdom means being able to clearly see what is actually happening, not what you think is happening vis-à-vis your feelings. I realize that the tension I feel when I talk to my son has to do with avoiding the perception he has superimposed on me. I am an "ice queen" and it is "always about me" when my feelings come to the fore. I would wonder to myself, who is he talking to? I have other people in my life who reflect back my warmth and my companionship. His name calling and characterization of me had me en gard like a fencer in a match. "En Gard," when he'd respond to my attempt at providing perspective with...."I'm not them. I don't care about them." "En Gard" when it became clear that my relationship with my 3 year old Grandson was contingent on my babysitting duties or being a spectator across a restaurant lunch table. I wanted to be family. "En Gard" when one of my rare invited visits to their home was chronicled by taking offense to my checking email on my Blackberry. " En Gard, En Gard....." I probably did seem somewhat mechanical. I was "fencing" so as not to get "stabbed".
Now that my son has a new daughter and her arrival was duly lauded on Facebook without so much as a phone call to me, I am at the preverbial crossroad. Second child of his and his wife and second time back at the same cross road that I thought we had long distanced in our rear view mirrors. "En Gard"
Angry? Hurt? Discarded? Thrown under the bus? Is there a hole in my heart that hurts in the morning when I wake up and realize that I will not hear his voice and/or see him? Of course there is but there is also a blanket of wisdom that covers me these days. I love him. I am, therefore, letting him go. I forgive his weakness. I forgive his plentiful self importance. I do not forgive his behavior, however.
I am ME and not the Me that you see in ME.
Gaining wisdom means being able to clearly see what is actually happening, not what you think is happening vis-à-vis your feelings. I realize that the tension I feel when I talk to my son has to do with avoiding the perception he has superimposed on me. I am an "ice queen" and it is "always about me" when my feelings come to the fore. I would wonder to myself, who is he talking to? I have other people in my life who reflect back my warmth and my companionship. His name calling and characterization of me had me en gard like a fencer in a match. "En Gard," when he'd respond to my attempt at providing perspective with...."I'm not them. I don't care about them." "En Gard" when it became clear that my relationship with my 3 year old Grandson was contingent on my babysitting duties or being a spectator across a restaurant lunch table. I wanted to be family. "En Gard" when one of my rare invited visits to their home was chronicled by taking offense to my checking email on my Blackberry. " En Gard, En Gard....." I probably did seem somewhat mechanical. I was "fencing" so as not to get "stabbed".
Now that my son has a new daughter and her arrival was duly lauded on Facebook without so much as a phone call to me, I am at the preverbial crossroad. Second child of his and his wife and second time back at the same cross road that I thought we had long distanced in our rear view mirrors. "En Gard"
Angry? Hurt? Discarded? Thrown under the bus? Is there a hole in my heart that hurts in the morning when I wake up and realize that I will not hear his voice and/or see him? Of course there is but there is also a blanket of wisdom that covers me these days. I love him. I am, therefore, letting him go. I forgive his weakness. I forgive his plentiful self importance. I do not forgive his behavior, however.
I am ME and not the Me that you see in ME.
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