I'm a Programmer.....of sorts

Before I went to sleep last night, I had a little chat with me. I told me that I could wake up in the morning and look out the window and see a new, calm/soothing terrain. I told me that morning would bring a peaceful awakening. I woke up this morning and lo and behold, there was a new vista. Not quite the bucolic, rolling hills just yet. It was more like calm white "noise". All I know is that the millstone leaning on my heart was lighter. The pressure from the lean was hardly noticeable. I made my coffee without wishing that it was a cup of euthanasia. My gallows humor is coming back. It has saved me so many times in my life. I find it funny that I see the irony in my lowest lows. That's me getting out the safety net for me.

I think a lot about all the parents who are going through something just like this and worse. How do they get through this? I think about what methods they employ for a remedy. My m.o. is fraught with a lot of reflection and examination. Everyone has their own process. Mine is unpleasant and unrelenting. One of my goals is to soften this. Writing helps me to think about what I do productively and unproductively. It helps me to organize my goals and the route that I need to take to achieve them. If I were a good friend talking to me, I'd comment on the harsh self recriminations and the purpose to which they serve. Seeing this in writing tells me in no uncertain terms that I need to do something different. More user friendly to ME.

I waited to post this writing because I wanted to see if programming works. It does. But it can't be a one shot deal, I realize. I will set a time before sleep that I make quiet. I will close my eyes and envision getting up in the morning feeling happy and content. I will see myself going to make my coffee and look forward to the coming day with lightness in and around my heart. I am heartened by the seemingly small things that I can do to help me regain the quality in my life.

NEW DAY......NEW GOAL

O.K. the stark realization for me after reviewing and digesting yesterday's post is this: my son has superimposed a persona on me that is not me. That tactic has ensured my energy was spent on resisting his image of me and using every PC bone in my body to be........not that! Now that there is a break in our connection, I realize and appreciate just how much I was stuck in a parent/child relationship rather than being an autonomous person. I am the only one who can be responsible for my reactions to him. That means that I have to live my life according to my values but the most convincing argument for me is this is who I am. I have to set a goal to be me without blame or regret. All this is what "letting go with love" means. The punctuation now has to be on me. I have no power to change him.......only the leverage to change myself. Either he'll have an epiphany, come around on his own or get more entrenched in his vitriol.

I, on the other hand, also have a task. In the long run my goal is to think of my grown children without distress. That is my destination. Along the way, however, I will make a daily conscious effort to stay calm when my son unloads his personal drama into my lap. I will envision being on the receiving end of his inventory. I will practice remaining peaceful. I will also envision myself leaving the conversation. I have too long listened to his litanies. I have allowed them to make me nervous and worry about him spiraling into a depression and perhaps, worse. He is well aware of my concern. We lived through a suicide and its aftermath has left me with worry that it will occur again. He knows that. I have to remove myself from this hostage situation. I will stay present, calm and make an exit when the drama becomes too intense.

I fully realize that my son may decide to remain MIA. That realization, however, will not stop me from reaching my goal. The final destination is to think of my adult children with love and light and without distress.

"Do not fear the Lestrygonians
and the Cyclopes and the angry Poseidon.
You will never meet such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your body and your spirit."......Cavafy