STUCK!

I am fully aware that progress does not travel upward in a vertical line. However, when my progress seems stuck in "park", the heavy millstone leaning on my heart hurts.........a lot. I thought quite a bit about where I wanted to end up with my blog. It, however, is only a cerebral construct right now. I feel stuck between thinking about what I want to achieve, how I want to feel, and the visceral distress that thumps in my chest. My heart beats unevenly and at times my breathing is disturbingly uneven. Stress is part of everyday life. I have to be patient. I have to let the process work. I have to have faith that letting my son go with love will help me. And perhaps, it can even help him. Walking on eggshells to avoid his unflattering image of me are not the answer. Even though I can reason it out in my head and give it clear and impressive oratory, it is not in my everyday functioning..........yet.

I will abbreviate this post as writing about being stuck is as difficult as incarceration. I know, however, that I am also my jailer. I have to keys. I just don't know when I will free me........

NEW DAY......NEW GOAL

O.K. the stark realization for me after reviewing and digesting yesterday's post is this: my son has superimposed a persona on me that is not me. That tactic has ensured my energy was spent on resisting his image of me and using every PC bone in my body to be........not that! Now that there is a break in our connection, I realize and appreciate just how much I was stuck in a parent/child relationship rather than being an autonomous person. I am the only one who can be responsible for my reactions to him. That means that I have to live my life according to my values but the most convincing argument for me is this is who I am. I have to set a goal to be me without blame or regret. All this is what "letting go with love" means. The punctuation now has to be on me. I have no power to change him.......only the leverage to change myself. Either he'll have an epiphany, come around on his own or get more entrenched in his vitriol.

I, on the other hand, also have a task. In the long run my goal is to think of my grown children without distress. That is my destination. Along the way, however, I will make a daily conscious effort to stay calm when my son unloads his personal drama into my lap. I will envision being on the receiving end of his inventory. I will practice remaining peaceful. I will also envision myself leaving the conversation. I have too long listened to his litanies. I have allowed them to make me nervous and worry about him spiraling into a depression and perhaps, worse. He is well aware of my concern. We lived through a suicide and its aftermath has left me with worry that it will occur again. He knows that. I have to remove myself from this hostage situation. I will stay present, calm and make an exit when the drama becomes too intense.

I fully realize that my son may decide to remain MIA. That realization, however, will not stop me from reaching my goal. The final destination is to think of my adult children with love and light and without distress.

"Do not fear the Lestrygonians
and the Cyclopes and the angry Poseidon.
You will never meet such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your body and your spirit."......Cavafy

EN GARD

YOU DON'T SEE THE ME IN ME

Gaining wisdom means being able to clearly see what is actually happening, not what you think is happening vis-à-vis your feelings. I realize that the tension I feel when I talk to my son has to do with avoiding the perception he has superimposed on me. I am an "ice queen" and it is "always about me" when my feelings come to the fore. I would wonder to myself, who is he talking to? I have other people in my life who reflect back my warmth and my companionship. His name calling and characterization of me had me en gard like a fencer in a match. "En Gard," when he'd respond to my attempt at providing perspective with...."I'm not them. I don't care about them." "En Gard" when it became clear that my relationship with my 3 year old Grandson was contingent on my babysitting duties or being a spectator across a restaurant lunch table. I wanted to be family. "En Gard" when one of my rare invited visits to their home was chronicled by taking offense to my checking email on my Blackberry. " En Gard, En Gard....." I probably did seem somewhat mechanical. I was "fencing" so as not to get "stabbed".

Now that my son has a new daughter and her arrival was duly lauded on Facebook without so much as a phone call to me, I am at the preverbial crossroad. Second child of his and his wife and second time back at the same cross road that I thought we had long distanced in our rear view mirrors. "En Gard"

Angry? Hurt? Discarded? Thrown under the bus? Is there a hole in my heart that hurts in the morning when I wake up and realize that I will not hear his voice and/or see him? Of course there is but there is also a blanket of wisdom that covers me these days. I love him. I am, therefore, letting him go. I forgive his weakness. I forgive his plentiful self importance. I do not forgive his behavior, however.

I am ME and not the Me that you see in ME.