Before I went to sleep last night, I had a little chat with me. I told me that I could wake up in the morning and look out the window and see a new, calm/soothing terrain. I told me that morning would bring a peaceful awakening. I woke up this morning and lo and behold, there was a new vista. Not quite the bucolic, rolling hills just yet. It was more like calm white "noise". All I know is that the millstone leaning on my heart was lighter. The pressure from the lean was hardly noticeable. I made my coffee without wishing that it was a cup of euthanasia. My gallows humor is coming back. It has saved me so many times in my life. I find it funny that I see the irony in my lowest lows. That's me getting out the safety net for me.
I think a lot about all the parents who are going through something just like this and worse. How do they get through this? I think about what methods they employ for a remedy. My m.o. is fraught with a lot of reflection and examination. Everyone has their own process. Mine is unpleasant and unrelenting. One of my goals is to soften this. Writing helps me to think about what I do productively and unproductively. It helps me to organize my goals and the route that I need to take to achieve them. If I were a good friend talking to me, I'd comment on the harsh self recriminations and the purpose to which they serve. Seeing this in writing tells me in no uncertain terms that I need to do something different. More user friendly to ME.
I waited to post this writing because I wanted to see if programming works. It does. But it can't be a one shot deal, I realize. I will set a time before sleep that I make quiet. I will close my eyes and envision getting up in the morning feeling happy and content. I will see myself going to make my coffee and look forward to the coming day with lightness in and around my heart. I am heartened by the seemingly small things that I can do to help me regain the quality in my life.
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